3.22.2006

Sum of parts

I wake up this morning much to early to be awake. The kid and I fall back to sleep in the recliner. We pretend not to hear everyone else shuffle around until the bigger kid declares it officially morning. They want toothbrushes (thank you Ms. Dental Hygentist visiting preschool. We've gone from "eh" with the brushing to "obsessed." Really do we need to brush on the hour every hour?) They want breakfast. They want milk in their cups. They want PBS kids. All I want is coffee.

I'm still bleary eyed. I stumble to the computer. Push a few buttons. Wait for it to warm up. Pull open email and there it is. The first message in my Blog comments folder. I see little else other than "site of the day."

"No way," I think. I scratch my sleepy brain and I try to remember what it was I last wrote about. Ahh, the girl. Right. Oh. Visitors now think they have stumbled into the epitome of all things Mommy-blog. That's nice. Ok, sure, in a way it's a correct assessment.

It makes me think. Someone coming here for the first time. Seeing these words for the first time. If they read just one entry in this rambling sample of an exposed soul, what impression do they walk way with.

I begin to wonder if any one piece in this entire collection of entries really paints a complete image. Of course that's impossible. The sleep is now gone from my eyes. The wheels are spinning. I think back to a class in college - social science or something like that. How do people define themselves. The professor tells us that the general belief is we, as Americans, tend to introduce ourselves by career first. It bugged me. When I think of it I try to avoid it.

"Hi, I'm Sandy, I'm..."

But what am I? I'm mother to two. Sometimes that still feels like going "career" first. I am wife. I am daughter. I am sister. I am friend. I am writer. I am lucky enough to have a job that let's me be home more than not home. I am marketing consultant. I am 30-something redheaded woman who still feels trapped in her teen years because at those times I certainly don't feel adult.

I'm a woman who ought to eat better and exercise more. I'm a former infertility patient that gave up hope only to find it when she least expected outside the treatment cycles. I am impatient, which sometimes makes motherhood challenging.

I can be somewhat scatter brained. I can be forgetful. I can be insensitive without meaning to be. I am stubborn. I am actually very stubborn. I am short-tempered although I try to control it.

I am a lot of things and yet I am none of them exclusively. Though, on occasion, it sometimes seems I am just a piece not a whole. Those don't tend to be my best times. When the whole gets ignored for the part, I'm not being true. I'm not being me.

When I review this quickly I realize that even now I've not done a good job at painting the complete picture of me. I wonder - can we ever?

33 comments:

Robin said...

I know the feeling...I think our 30's is when we start pondering things like this. I sometimes still don't feel like a complete adult...or at least what I perceived of adult-hood as a child. I also know that I used to define myself by my job as well, until I started working a concentrated work week that allowed me to have virtually 5 days in a row off every week. Now, I don't know how to define myself...my kids go to school, so I am certainly no SAHM...so, I just say I am a "Stay at Home"...I love the sound of it! I'm here from Michele's today...thanks for a thought-provoking post!

Janet (fondofsnape@gmail.com) said...

great post. hi, michele sent me :-)

Linda said...

I am all those things and more! I was coming to visit you just because I saw your name above (not directly, of course) mine in a Q&A at Michele's...then I read this entry...went back to Michele's to check out the site of the day post (I really should read from bottom to top, lol). So...I'm here NOT because Michele sent me, but because Michele sent me - does that make sense????

I love your blog by the way!

LilRed said...

Hola! Congrats on being Michele's site of the day! Great blog!

Jennie said...

Sandy, my impression is "wonderful blog!" Really enjoyed the visit...thanks Michele for highlighting this one today. I'll be wandering back.
Jennie

Megan said...

People are so much more than the sum of their parts. You did a beautiful job at painting a good piece of the picture. The rest is yet to be.

Hi! Michele sent me.

kenju said...

I agree with Megan, and when you are my age, you will probably still be wondering if you are giving the right impression, the full extent of who you are. I doubt that is possible here, at least not in one post. Michele sent me, Sandy. Congratulations on being the site of the day.

Indigo said...

Hi Michele sent me! What a lovely post, I too am a former infertility patient. :-) I absolutely love the picture of the boat. It's so lovely, and peaceful.

Sue said...

Hi Sandy, I am here from Michele's but have to say that aside from being a mommy, infertility patient and a red head, you describe me to a T -- not sure if that is a good thing LOL but that is me!!

srp said...

Congratulations on being the site of the day. Who knows what defines us. It doesn't matter really. Careers can be fleeting but you'll always be a mom. For years I have been known in my daughter's circles as "Nyssa's Mom" and that is enough.

Sandy said...

I don't totally disagree SRP. However, for me, being a mom is a large part of who I am. It influences the other parts of me - but it is not *all* of me. I want to be the woman my mother has always been. She's an incredible mother, grandmother, wife, sister, etc. But she's also a beautiful person who uses her life to better the lives of others - even the people she doesn't know. I don't want to find myself with two kids out of the nest and a feeling of being lost without a real identity - which to me, is something we risk when we put all our 'eggs' in one basket. I am Logan's Mom. I am Megan's Mom. But I'm also a lot of other stuff too.

chelle said...

very introspective post! It was nice to read all about you! Congrats on being the site of the day...Michelle Says Hi!

Deb R said...

What a great post! I think we're all more than the sum of our parts and I'm not sure anyone ever really gets the whole of us, especially from a blog, if for no other reason than that whole self evolves a little every day.

Anyway...hello from one stubborn redhead to another! Michele sent me.

Karen said...

Great post! It's a question that I try to avoid. Not because I don't like myself, but it's just not very easy to define who I am. Maybe I'll take a moment or two and try someday soon.

Thanks for making me think. Greetings from Wisconsin. Congrats on being Michele's site of the day. She sent me here today and I'm very glad!

Jolie said...

Hi, I'm Jolie and Michele sent me, but I've actually been here before. I love your blog (template and writings)! By the way, I'm 40 and still trapped in my teens, because I still FEEL that young :) Congrats on being site of the day!

Rene said...

Hi Michele sent me. Great post. Your household sounds a lot like mine. I think we are constantly evolving and just when we feel comfortable in our skins, we or the world we live in, changes and our concept of self goes out the door.

Kudos on SOTD. Believe I've been here before.

mommyof4 said...

Hi michele sent me! I think Just by reading this post I will be back for some more!:)

KaraMia said...

I'm in my thirties too and it feels such a weird age, like we are supposed to grow up already and have our act together. Then I get real and remember, nobody else does, so why do I have too?
Here via michele today

Jade said...

Always evolving, always changing we are the sum of our experiences past and those yet to come. The answer to your question is never and I'm kind of glad for that. Hello, Michelle sent me and I'm glad she did.

Ash said...

I don't think there ever is a sum...we are ever evolving...always love my visit here :)

Cin said...

Hi there - the lovely Michele sent me, but I would've made my way to this shore eventually.

I have to agree with the other postees so far - as I get older I too look for an all-defining ending to the I am.... sentence, but it's almost impossible. For now I'll stick to undefineable & uncategorizable...

used*to*be*me* said...

hello. Congrats on SOTD.

Michele sends me.

The Flamingess said...

What a lovely introduction. Thank you. Michelle sent me and I am very pleased that she did.

keda said...

a lovely post. what more can i say that hasn't been said? not much as its late, but i'm here via michele, and i'll be back to read more*

Tropical Screamer said...

Hello, Michele sent me.

Great post.

I'm 52 about-to-be 53 and I'm still changing and evolving. How can anyone know everything that we are if we keep changing?

Not to mention I'm a Gemini and that just can't help. LOL.

All the best to you. I'll be back.

Darilyn

OldOldLady Of The Hills said...

I don't think we can, Sandy...but you did an awfully good job filling in a lot of tyhings I didn't know before...CONGRATULATIONS on being 'Site Of The Day'...Isn't that a nice thing to wake up to...?

So happy to be visiting you again..I must put you on my Blogroll...(Yes, I finally have a blogroll that is A Work In Progress...)

Hope you are having a really lovely day today!

atpanda said...

Ah heck, who we are changes daily sometimes, especially for us women!

Michele sent me.

Killired said...

congrats on site of the day!!!!!
here from michele's

jennypenny said...

Hi Sandy. Yes you are all those things you described and surely much more. You seem simply wonderful to me! Isn't that early morning site of the day announcement the best? Congratulations! I have been here before and will be back again. Enjoy the day and yes I am here today because Michele sent me.

FattyPants said...

Hi sandy, michele sent me :) I'm a mom of one and it does take over your life, but in a good way. By the way you and your daughter look like twins in those pictures!!!!!! So cute!

a mom said...

a fellow mom blogger. i'm a little late here from Michele's but glad I came. Your post is so real and so honest. I love it!

I will be back to read more.

Karen said...

Hi! I'm back again today! Hope you enjoyed your notoriety yesterday.

Have a great day!

Carmi said...

You once again make us think with a deftly worded entry.

Long story short, I don't think we can ever finish telling our stories. Life is a work in progress, and our canvas - namely, us - is never really finished.

Even after we pass on, our legacy continues to change the world around us.

Sorry for sounding morbid. That wasn't my intent.