3.17.2006

Fare thee well

I hate to say it, but I think it's over. "It" being a friendship that I predicted as in it's waning days. (I'd even link to that orignal blog blathering but I'm too lazy to root through my archives to find it.) What started back in 9th grade Western Civ class has come to an end at the feet of two very different children. Frankly, the cause saddens me more than the loss itself.

This wasn't a surprise. We've been through this sort of thing before. Every time our life heads in a bit of a different direction, N pulls away. She did when she started dating her husband and I was still happily single. She did it when her oldest arrived and I was married without kids. And now that our kids are developing their own, very different personalities she's done it again.

It'd take a fool to deny that playdates don't work for us. When we get together her boys go one way, my kids go the other. Logan is outgoing and energetic. Her recently turned 4-year old is shy and calm. He prefers staying by his big sister's side or watching one of his shows to following Logan into the mass of toys. Big sister on the other hand, has reached the age where she has little interest in the exploits of 3-verging-of-4-year old boys. She's not often around for these get togethers. The littlest brother, a month younger than Meg, shows signs of being more like his brother than his lively sister. Meg, if you've not noticed, is a firecracker.

These are five very different personalities that aren't meshing. It's not that they fight. It's not that they dislike each other. They just sort of co-exist. They hover at the parrell stage despite the fact that the 3/4 year olds are moving more to the play-together stage.

And to me, that's ok. So we don't have playdates. What's happened instead, is that we just don't talk. We don't exchange emails. We don't act like friends because our children aren't.

I've tried. I'm just tired of being a one person relationship. I've called her once a month. When I do, it's like old times. We talk. We share stories. We laugh. Then we hang up and until I pick up the phone the next month we're in our own seperate worlds. I send emails. Sometimes she writes back. Sometimes she doesn't. If I don't email her there's no hope of getting one. The last time we talked I pitched the idea of meeting up at a park. It was met with an affirmative word or two. She promised to call the next week with a time and day that would work. She never did.

Her middle son's birthday was last week. The last three birthdays it's been her family and us gathering to celebrate with him. This year it's come and gone and we've not even heard a peep. I expected it - yet it still makes me sad. This is really it. I had been consoling myself with the idea that she was just busy with all the things her oldest was getting involved in as "big" elementary school kid now. I had come to think that perhaps it was the change in her husband's work schedule. But none of that is it.

My son's birthday is 4 months off, yet he's already making plans for a party. He lists off the friends he wants to invite - the first in the group are N's three. It breaks my heart. What bothers me most is not that I'm losing a friend but that he's losing what he thinks is a friend.

15 comments:

Dave said...

Here from Michele's this afternoon, that's a sad tale, I hope you manage to work it out. I love the design of your blog by the way, I'll link if that's Ok with you?

Amanda said...

Unfortunately, I know the feelings you are having all too well. A very close college friend and I have drifted apart in the exact way you have just described. And now, we haven't spoken in over 6 months. It still really hard and makes me sad when I think about it. I hope you can mend things with this friend.

Here via Michele.

Bella~^* said...

I can so relate to how you feel. It is always so heartbreaking, but I guess it does get to a point of just letting go if it is one sided. I'm sorry you are going through this.
I love the picture on your blog!
Michele sent me :)

utenzi said...

Michele sent me.

I don't know about your conclusion, Sandy. As long as you enjoy talking to her and she seems to enjoy talking to you--why worry that you're the only one doing the calling? Just enjoy the conversation and don't worry about reciprocity. Sure, friendships die, usually due to diverging interests, but that doesn't sound like that's the case here.

Anonymous said...

((((Sandy)))) I'm sorry you are going though this. You might want to consider just going "no contact" until Logan's birthday, but then *if* he still wants to invite her kids, then just do it! It's his party and he can ask whomever he wants, right? They might skip the party, then you can just say they had other plans (or explain, if it feels like the right time for Logan). But he's likely to more or less forget about them, over time...and won't be tooo upset as time goes on. I think we've all been there on one level or another. I feel your pain.

Love,
Jen

Shannon said...

OK, I have to tell you that this is the first time I've visited a blog via Michele and actually identified with the writer. ;-)

Your blog design is beautiful and I can also relate to your post. It's hard when friends grow apart.

BTW, I have a Logan, too.

Goodbye Mes Amis said...

Sounds like my relationship with my father. I agree with Jen, let time pass and see what happens. As I have said before, I love your writing.
Here from Michele's tonight.

vanx said...

That's very sad. My older children are in high school, and similar things--not exactly the same--have played out with some of our friends. It's life, but it hurts. There is no telling what people go through. Then, there is something like this.

Lazy Daisy said...

Wow, how sad. He'll get over it much faster than you will. Losing a friend is never easy. Michele sent me tonight.

Carmi said...

Another poignantly-penned moment in the life of a pensive and thoughtful Mom.

We went through this with friends after we moved to a city that's an 8-hour drive away from our hometown. We kept things going for a few years after we moved. But the flame weakened over time until we felt we were the only ones holding things up.

In the end, we let it lapse. If it's meant to be rekindled, they'll somehow find their way back. If not, it was meant to be.

Your son's birthday list nearly broke my heart. It's easy for us to understand how this all works. But to explain it to a child is almost impossible.

Corrine said...

I love your blog design, too, like so many others have said. And the title of this post. Very moving.

Zee said...

Ouch.

Most of us have gone through this at one point or another, but it just tears at us, even with the foresight, eh? And to have our children involved, too? I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Sandy, losing a friend is painful, and I hope you can mend smoothly. I especially hope your son doesn't hurt much.

(((hugs!)))

Anonymous said...

Hey, Jessica, with me, it's my mom.

Jen

Suzanne said...

I guess it happens to us all at one point or another. My feelings are that relationships should always be two sided, not one. I usually back off if I feel like the other party isn't making the effort. As for the kids,...invite them. If they don't come, it will be a loud message. I'm sure you're child will have a great birthday anyways provided there are others there right?
hi from Micheles

atpanda said...

It is SO hard being friends with people we've known forever. I have the same girlfriends I've had forever (some of us since elementary school) and it feels strained, sometimes obligatory. We're more like family than friends with very little in common but our past. I feel you on this one.
Michele sent me!