Oh Shut Up!

I've come to believe that there are certain things a pregnant woman should be able to beat the tar out of another person for without penalty. What are folks thinking when they open their mouth and fail to insert their foot in time. The closer I get to full-term and the more unwieldy my body becomes, the less patience I have for these fools. I'm looking for a license to kick butt, is what it really comes down to - if I could actually get my leg high enough off the ground to do so that is. So what are these gross offenses you ask?

1. Any statement containing the words "HUGE" and referring to the pregnant woman. I mean really, does anyone appreciate another staring at them, mouth gaping open, and the words "Oh. My. God. You got HUGE!" spilling from their lips? After complaining about this to some, I've actually been told "Well, but its different, you're pregnant, you're supposed to be gigantic. You have an excuse." Yeah, well, you scarf down a ton of junk food, you have an excuse for your huge ass too, that doesn't mean I need to point it out to you.

Ok, the pregnant body is a beautiful thing. Blah blah blah. Its a wonderful miracle. My bulbous belly is a sign of life growing in all its splendor. I get that. Yet I didn't start this pregnant journey as a size 6. My size isn't totally baby, its got a lot of ice cream and other garbage glued to my hips and girth. I don't like being "huge." I don't appreciate having trouble navigating tight aisles in a department store or squeezing my way past the door of a poorly designed public restroom stall. And I really don't need to be reminded of it with startled, wide-eyed utterances.

Variations on this theme include using the words: gigantic, house-like, enormous, behemothic, big mother, Brobdingnagian, bulky, colossal, cyclopean, elephantine, gargantuan, humongous, jumbo, leviathan, mammoth, massive, mungo, planetary, prodigious, super-colossal, titanic, tremendous, vast, walloping, whopping

2. Any statement that sounds like "Oh, you must just love this heat and humidty" snicker, snicker
Ok, call me naive, but frankly, I think any day where its hot and humid enough to produce a heat index of 98 degrees just sucks whether you're pregnant or not. I mean really, does anyone out there actually enjoy 88% humidity? Does anyone really get excited to feel their clothes sticking to their backs when they merely walk out to get their mail. No. I seriously doubt it. Hot, humid, summer days where the air feels heavy just suck. It sucked last summer when I wasn't pregnant and it sucks now that I am. My "huge" baby-carrying induced girth does not make it much worse than it already is.

3. Encouraging words such as "Man, you've still got a long way to go!"
Personally I hear this a lot less now that I'm in single digit count down of weeks until D-day (aka due date). I do, however, think that pregnant women everywhere hear this idiotic statement all to often. "Oh, when are you due?" [insert response here.] "Oh, wow, you've got a long way to go, huh." Yeah, that's just what I want to hear. My back hurts, my legs hurt and I have three months (or whatever the duration) left to go. Thanks for pointing that out.

Variances to this theme include:
- "Haven't you had that baby yet?" (Appropriate responses to this include, "Does it look like it?" and "Baby? Oh, I had that weeks ago. Now I'm just fat."
- "Really? That long? You look like you're about ready to pop that kid out any day now." (which is also a variance of beatable offense #1)
- "Oh, wow, you're nearly at the end. That's going to go so fast." (Yes, I know a bit contradictory of me, but honestly, let's use now for example. Six weeks in normal time may not be a whole lot, but when you're 'huge' and feel like every joint hurts from the added duty of carrying another person 24/7 six weeks is a long time. When you can't sleep at night because you can't find way to lay that doesn't put make something hurt - six weeks is an eternity.)

4. The act of reaching out and touching someone.
There are pregnant women that don't mind being a touchstone for everyone and their brother, but personally, I think people need to keep their grubby fingers off my stomach. What is it about the pregnant belly that shouts "Reach out and grope me?"

Here's what gets me. Were I not with child, folks wouldn't even consider walking up to me and placing their hand on my body uninvited. Hell, if I were to do so to them, they'd stare at me in horror. Yet the mere fact that I get kicked from the inside out and have lost visual contact with my feet, seems to be a blanket statement of approval to anyone that gets within 2 feet of me.

The ones that really goad me are those that touch first ask later. Their hand firmly attached to my belly, they look up and say "Oh, is this ok? Can I touch you?" I've been very good about ignoring the urge to respond "Only if I can pinch your ass."