Pink or Blue
In exactly two weeks from yesterday we'll find out, assuming Turnip cooperates, if our 2nd child is a boy or a girl. Yes, I am one that "spoils" the surprise - although I take issue with that belief. As one that was convinced her first was a girl - trust me, I was shocked and all sorts of surprised when the doctor looked at the little ultrasound monitor and said "Its male." Had we waited I'd have merely been exhausted AND stunned. Instead I settled for merely stunned.

The closer we get to "peek-day" the more I realize that finding out is not just about satisfying my 'spoil-sport' detestation of surprises. No. Its about making this all real. You'd think with 16 weeks of puking (yes, I'm still ill) and the fact that I'm now full-time in maternity clothes despite having lost 5 pounds, the reality of pregnancy would have sunk in. But it hasn't. Not really. I mean yeah, I *know* I'm pregnant, but its still surreal. Talking about "when the baby comes" still seems very abstract. Almost hypothetical. I was thinking may its just this time - maybe its being so busy with a toddler that keeps it from really truly sinking in. But its not.

I realized this morning, as I pulled up my belly paneled carpenter jeans that are still big enough to slide down when Toddler is seated firmly on my hip, that I felt this way last time too. The idea of having "baby" didn't become real until he was really a he and I could call him by name. I was no longer "when the baby arrives we need to do this." it was "when L comes we will do. . ." He was real and we were just waiting for him. That's what I need this time. I need to prepare my son for when M or S shows up. Maybe I'm just nuts, but it seems easier to make it reality for him if Turnip is an actual name, a real person that we're just waiting to welcome. Someone we can label and identitfy. I can't wait to have those ultrasound pictures - the ones that show a hint of a face. A formed a head. Real hands. Something I can hold and say "That is my little [fill in gender], my [fill in name]" I can start to develop our personal relationship based on the actual person - not the idea of some person. If that makes any sense.

I know this isn't true for everyone. There are people that waited to find out and had no problems bonding - but for me, I *need* to know. Its not just want. Its need. Sure, if Turnip chooses to cross those legs tight then we're out of luck and I'll survive - but we're hoping it doesn't come to that.