Yesterday was a bad pregnant day - lots of queasy feelings and being sick. Lots of tired, I just want to find a hole and hibernate type moments. Today is a good day. Today is a day without Reglan (aka puke pills) and without puking. This is good. This is HUGE progress.
Today I am finding joy in little things:
The fact that my son is still asleep even though his 2 hours of normal nap time has expired. This child decided he only needed a half hour yesterday
The fact that a search to satisfy a sweet craving led me to a recipe for hot chocolate on the back of the powered cocoa box and its yummy!
The fact that its sunny, albeit cold and windy.
The fact that its Friday and because of my parents long weekend trip in honor of my mom's birthday I am not working until Thursday.
The fact that I actually am not falling asleep on my feet.
When I'm not rejoicing I'm being reflective. I'm wondering how it is I've landed in a friendship that I really could do without. I'm sure you say as you read this: walk away you fool why maintain it if its that bad? Well the truth is this person is annoying but not "bad" and she has a son my son's age -- meaning playdate. In truth she's not someone I'd be friends with if we didn't have same-aged children. We are completely different people and that is exactly what irks me most times about her. Not that she's not "me" - none of my friends are truly "me." Its just that she's so very different from me. The things we enjoy, the way we approach parenting - all those things differ between us.
Its so hard to put into words. Its just that I find myself rolling my eyes often when I speak with her or sharing humorous retellings of her latest statements to others. Its catty I know, but its true. What gets me most about her is that I don't think she really enjoys parenting as much as she enjoys having an extension of herself that she can brag about. The child is perfect (he is not.) The child is destined to be a baby model (he was not.) The child is a genius (who can tell how smart a 1 year old us...but I think its fairly safe to assume based on parentage that the chances that he's a genius are not in his favor.) The child is incredibly outgoing and friendly and will NEVER be afraid of strangers (the child is currently in the midst fo wicked separation anxiety which seems to really aggravate his mother.) In truth, the child is your typical, cute 17 month old who is fun-loving and can be outgoing. But he is your typical 17 month old and so he's also moody and needy and that part seems to bug her more than it bugs most parents. I mean hey, there are days I want to run and hide on my child - when the whining makes me want to scream "GROW UP!" But most of the time I remember that this is normal and I really am not ready for him to grow up. With this friend of mine, I sometimes think that what bugs her most about the 'real' parts of a toddler are that they are not bragworthy. She can't impress her friends with the fact that this child is screeching if she leaves a room or that his favorite thing to do is throw food. Those aren't perfect stories. And that's sad.
What's prompted this latest reflection on her is the simple statements she made about having a second child - she wants a second someday and the reason she attached to it was simply that she didn't want her son to be alone. I find that so sad. Sure, part of the pursuit of this second child was because we did want to try to avoid the whole "only" child thing. We knew that our first would benefit from a sibling - but that's not why we choose to have one. It just felt right. We had a second child in our life story - we knew it. We had the love and the resources to support a 2nd. We felt our family was missing someone very important. This little turnip is loved for him/herself. This little being is wanted simply for being the individual that (s)he already is. The fact that our son will reap rewards from having him/her in his life is merely a side benefit. It saddens me to think of this friend's 2nd child - at least the way she words her desire for one now.
By the way - for those still counting my little one's nap is now at 2 hours and 45 minutes. I'm amazed. I've also not been productive unless you count gossiping and blogging. ;)