My mind, it wanders

This path that's not a path - the one on which we merely try not to avoid pregnancy rather than hotly pursue it - is confusing. I find myself pondering many things concerning the logistics. For example, when does one bite the bullet and pee on that damn stick? I wonder not because I sit here staring at box of First Response, but because I'd rather have it straight in my head before I get to that point.

The first time around I'd be running out for the HPT within the first few days of what I had assumed was "being late." Of course, each time I found my body playing a cruel practical joke - a new cycle starting just a day after I broke down and took the stupid test. I'm not what you'd called 'irregular' in terms of said cycles, but being irregular is not unheard of for my body. I've learned that being a few days late means nothing more than my body decided to take a leisurely stroll that particular month. So logic would say, you give it more than a few days - but how much more. I've yet to wrestle the answer out of myself.

Issue 2 - assuming someday fate smiles upon us and #2 is in production - when does one formerly infertile couple spread the news? With our son, we lived in denial of possibility so long we were nearly two full months along before even *we* knew of it. Telling our family and closest friends almost instantly wasn't nearly as big an issue since we were already closing in tight on that big "2nd trimester" doorway.

But, one would assume it'd not take us quite as long to test the 2nd time around. Then what? Do we sit on our news, bursting with excitement, and just wait? Perhaps its worth noting, my 18 month old has more patience than I sometimes. A 12-14 week wait won't happen. Do we wait till we see that heartbeat? Will we be as neurotically worried as we were the first time that the 1st to 2nd threshold will be viewed as critical a window?

I also worry about the mundane. How will I explain to my son that Mommy's belly isn't interested in sharing her lap? How do I balance the "no carrying anything over 10lbs" rule my OB tossed my way last time with the 24lb (granted more than that by the time its every an issue..if it ever is) snuggle monster? How do I get my sleep, drink my OJ (little boy thinks its awesome stuff but only when its from Mom's cup!) or maintain sanity?

I'm lucid enough now to know that I will not know these things until I do. I will not wrestle the answer from myself until I need to know it. I will not have a plan of attack. I can't because having one means allowing for the possibility that I'll need one...and right now, that's still too scary.

No comments: